Open Heart Surgery

giraffeekins:

Just watched Dark Skies and there were so many connections to Supernatural.
The youngest son was named Sammy.
Dad wasn’t a great one.
Older brother promised to protect him in almost these words, “I’ll protect you Sammy. I promise.”

I was sobbing.

wealmostlostourminds:

Anybody know where I can watch Dark Skies online for free?

http://www.1channel.ch/watch-2738858-Dark-Skies

I’m sorry I’m not who I was
I want to tear who I am apart
My hope is shaking
My mind is weak my heart is breaking its yours to keep
But it’s to much a burden to hold on to
You didn’t sign up for this did you?
I resent myself and everything I am now
She’s gone ran away I can’t find her the clouds are In the way
This love that grew inside me turned me inside out
The rage I was fighting creeps out
The pain of my suffering never leaves
I keep these from you something I hope you never have to see
I want to be me
I’m sick of this depressing heart
I’ve been ripped away from a solid heart
I’m sorry I’m not her I may never be that again
This hurt I have to face may never end
I’m dying you have no idea I’m crying because I’m insane
The pain is just a burden I don’t want you to keep
I want you to always remember me for me
Who I am deep inside the shining star that never hides
The sun shine that glows
But will I ever see that again
Or is this my end…
Will I live in suffering or recovery I’m not sure
I know I’m a
Burden now and that is why I hurt

I want to write about happy things about how I love my son and everything is so joyful but I cannot deny that something is very wrong and Ive slipped into a bit of depression…

I know it will go away but its slowly taking away who I am…I can feel the smiles become fake…and trying to wake up each day takes too many cups of coffee. I feel weak like I don’t want to do anything. But then I see my son and know its best that I forget my feelings and just  move on to the better things in life…

I can’t keep this in and I know Ill get commented by family about keep your head up you can do it…but they have no idea what clinical depression is like. they don’t see it circle on and on…its been a very long time since Ive felt like this so I know its only temporary but for how long i have to ask?

Lately Ive been trying to make friends for Noah and I it seems I always reach out but nothing happens…Im apart of a ton of mom groups on Facebook and on a website called meet up and still have not found a friend that stays around.

Maybe Im too loud or too weird…I don’t know what it is but Im sick of being alone every single day…I hate staying home and not doing anything theres only so much you can do with a 2 year old especially when they stop playing with the toys and only want you to entertain them and then I do but then I run out of ways to do it? its complicated and hard.

I would love to lean on someone besides my grandmother and daniel..I just want to go out with the girls for a night out or go to park get togethers almost everyday…I think being alone and not having friends its whats triggering the depression..

I feel alone and the more alone I get I know the deeper my depression will go…its horrible..I cant be sad around Noah he doesn’t understand he just wants his way and thats that…and then I don’t let him have his way all the time either and then he starts screaming and all i can hear is his screaming in my head…. I tell him to stop…I take him out of situations but it feels like non of that is working…Ive even tried time out but thats a joke…I will likely go back to time outs

and then being a mom is stressful but at least if I had someone to share my frustrations with someone who I can hang out with and actually get me or give me advice I think I wouldnt feel alone and life might become brighter for me in the end..

so Im signing up for moms group of Valencia for next year and M.O.P.S which I have to pay for but everyone has been telling me to join….

okay so enough of my sad story no one really reads this but it is therapeutic that I get it out into the open…